TOTO Washlet G400 Integrated Toilet Review

June 19, 2018 by @elioverbey

This thing, I mean, jeeze.

Can you justify a nearly $2000 toilet?

As a matter of fact… you can. Easily.

TOTO’s integrated toilet seat washlets are the pinnacle of poopin’.

They are an exercise in pure luxury.

The form-factor, features and technology coalesce into an ultra-modern, eye-catching toilet that will become the centerpiece of any bathroom lucky enough to house one.

The G400 is one of TOTO’s “entry level” Integrated Toilets, but that doesn’t prevent it from being one of the best toilets ever made.

See what the TOTO G400’s current price is HERE.

Let’s dive into the features first and see what the G400 is packing under the hood.

So…. This is a toilet AND a bidet? What makes the toilet better than the trusty pooper trooper I’ve already got?

First, this is a TOTO toilet.

They make some of the best around and toilet technology has likely changed tremendously since you installed your last toilet. Take a quick look at the video above to see what TOTO brings to the table.

First is the truly AWESOME Cyclone flush.

Have you ever wanted to feel like Poseidon (Pooseidon?)?

Have you ever had the desire to create a maelstrom of epic proportions, sucking sailors to the deep, dark depths below?

Now, you hold the power of the God of the Seas in your fingertips. With one gentle press on the sleek and sexy remotes (or simply by standing up – there’s an auto flush function!), you can choose and appropriate flush level for the business that you have just done. 1.28 or 0.9 gallons of water will come whooshing out from the recessed holes on either side of the toilet bowl, creating a hypnotizing vortex.

(It should be noted that the auto-flush function will determine how much water to use, either 1.28 gal or 0.9 gal. It works quite well.)

Besides the trident brandishing euphoria that you’ll feel from creating a cyclone in your toilet, this cyclone also serves as an excellent bowl cleaner, sweeping any stubborn poo pirates down into the Marianas Trench of your toilet.

As the video above delightfully demonstrates with apples (floating poos), oranges (sinking poos), orange juice (pee) and applesauce (fiery diarrhea), all manner of toilet visits get effortlessly blasted into a watery grave.

TOTO also makes the bowl nearly impossible for anything to stick to.

Like the legendary WWE tag-team duo of Gary “Cyclone Psycho Flush” Stonewall and Johnny “Slippery Bowl” Prescott, the Cyclone flush operates best with its teammates: TOTO’s bowl-premist function and CeFiONtect, TOTO’s extremely slick ceramic glazing which serves to make the surface of the bowl much less porous, giving the poos nothing to hold onto.

Lastly, the design is sexy.

Yeah, I said it. A toilet is sexy. Compared to a traditional toilet, it’s easy to see how someone could become infatuated with this amazing piece of bathroom furniture.

The skirted toilet fits perfectly with the integrated washlet bidet.

Not only is the plumbing hidden within the “skirt” of the toilet, this approach to toilet design makes for much easier cleaning.

It’s got all your basic bidet functions.

As well as some lavish premium features.

This should be a given, but this toilet has everything one would expect from a great bidet seat.

This includes a heated seat, heated water and a self-cleaning, retracting nozzle that delivers a stream of water right up the ol’ wazoo.

There’s rear cleansing, rear “soft” cleansing and frontal cleanse.

The rear cleanse won’t be a surprise to anyone who has use a bidet before; it’s strong and effective, yet not a power washer and won’t leave your bum raw.

The soft rear cleanse covers a wider area with lower pressure – perfect for those cursed by hellish hemorrhoids.

The frontal cleanse is obviously just for ladies and uses larger, soft drops to keep things comfortable.

All cleaning functions can be combined with either an oscillating or pulsating spray option.

An easily replaceable deodorizer (available here) will whisk away all those foul odors commonly associated with going number 2. Automatically turning on as soon as you plop you butt on the can, the deodorizer will soon become something you just can’t live without. It’s an activated carbon filter hidden behind a small air intake screen (which should be taken out and cleaned with water monthly). The deodorizer itself should last around 6 months with average use. And yes, you will definitely be made aware when it’s time to change it.

The auto raise/lower lid and seat add to the luxury.

Much like the TOTO S550 washlet, the G400 comes with a lid and seat that will automatically raise and lower when you draw near or walk away.

It’s hard to convey just how COOL this feature is. It’s comparable to getting an OLED TV after years of traditional LED or LCD displays.

You just can’t go back.

And that’s kinda the lasting impression of this toilet as a whole. You just can’t go back to a regular one after using this.

The elegant design makes other toilets seem archaic, ancient and obsolete; more suited to a display in a preserved mid 18th century home in Colonial Williamsburg than in a modern bathroom.

The features (both bidet and the toilet itself)put other toilets to shame, and further solidify it as something you just can’t come back from.

TOTO S350/S550 Review

May 29, 2018 by @elioverbey

To our readers: The TOTO S350 is being discontinued shortly and will be replaced with the TOTO S550. Both bidets come with all the same features, although the S550 has had a redesign (which I love) of both the washlet and the remote. There have also been some slight changes under the hood, which I’ll get to later in the review. As far as features go, however, you can consider this review applicable to both bidet models.

The King of Bidets? Bow to the TOTO S550.

TOTO know a thing or two about making bidet toilet seats. They coined the term “washlet” and were one of the first companies to start making electronic bidet seats which allow any toilet to evolve into a wondrous, ass-polishing throne.

The TOTO S550 is TOTO’s newest and most feature-packed bidet seat.

Having been in the bidet scene since its inception, TOTO have been steadily reworking their bidets to continually be at the forefront of bidet technology and trends.

Before we get into anything else, let’s take a peek a what’s going to immediately jump out as one of the more unique features of the S550: its Ewater+.

See up-to-the-minute pricing HERE.

What is Ewater+ and how does it set the S550 apart from other bidet seats?

Ewater+ is electrolyzed water which acts as a very effective cleaning and disinfecting solution. According to Wikipedia, electrolyzed water is water which has had an electric current run through it. Doing this produces a solution of hypochlorous acid and sodium hydroxide, which is apparently great at cleaning poo from toilet bowls.

The TOTO S550 will spray the bowl with a mist of Ewater+ as soon as you sit down as well as once you get up. In practice, this keeps your bowl lookin cool, clean, and absent of little poop dudes. Thank god for not having to reach for the dirty toilet bowl scrubber.

Also, the TOTO S550 will use this Ewater+ to clean the nozzle before and after each use. Talk about clean!

Note: this solution is NOT used for cleaning YOU. Just the toilet bowl and nozzle.

Next up on features unique to the TOTO S550 is its auto open and close lid.

This might not immediately seem like a feature that makes you think “Huh, I NEED that!” but after seeing it in action, I promise you, your mind is gonna change.

The auto-open and close of the TOTO S550 makes you feel like royalty as the seat invites you to take a seat, take a load off, drop a deuce, etc.

This is the last step in making the ancient human process of poopin’ totally hands-free. No need to touch the seat, no need to wipe, no need to dry.

Be confident that your phone most certainly WON’T be giving you pink-eye as long as the kids don’t get ahold of it.

Now, some have complained in the past about the S350’s auto open and close being a bit too sensitive and opening when someone simply walked past the bathroom. The S550 has fixed this issue by making the sensor a little less sensitive and now opens only when you approach the front of your throne.

The TOTO S550 can be programmed to open the lid, or both the lid and seat automatically when you approach. Also, if you’re a dude and only the lid opens and you don’t plan on taking a seat, a simple press on the remote can lift the seat as well. This works in the opposite way as well, so the ladies can put just the seat down if both seat and lid are both left open.

The S550’s nightlight. Not your typical glowing blue bowl.

The TOTO S550's nightlight emits a soft glow around your toilet.

Let there be light!

I should start this section by admitting that I love a glowing blue toilet bowl. I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s the feeling of being a futuristic Blade Runner about to “eliminate some replicants” (poop) or what, but those glowing blues just GET ME.

Despite all that, I love the S550’s nightlight. It’s miles more practical than a glowing blue bowl, as it softly illuminates the area around the toilet.

Ok, how about the actual bidet features?

Well, in addition to the above features which are quite unique to the TOTO S550, this washlet also packs top-of-the-line cleaning and comfort features.

The bidet feature itself is totally customizable in terms of pressure, position and temperature.

It also has a pulsating mode, oscillating mode and the option to switch the feminine cleansing from a narrow to a wide spray.

Also, the S550 packs one of the most effective warm air dryers around. Like we said earlier, this helps provide a totally hands-free experience.

The new, slim remote

All of these functions work as you’d imagine – they get you clean and transform your daily booty-duty into an almost too-relaxing spa-like visit.

Now, TOTO has also made sure to make the use of the S550 as comfortable as possible.

Heated seats, a deodorizer and instantaneously heated water (no bulky, slow-heating reservoir here) make the S550 so comfortable and satisfying to use, you’re never going to want to leave your throne.

How is this thing different from the S350?

The Contemporary lid sports a smoother, more contoured appearance, whereas the Classic style leaves a small lip.

Glad you asked!

Perhaps the most striking difference is in appearance.

TOTO have given the S550 the option to be purchased in either the classic or contemporary style.

I much prefer the contemporary style, although your mileage may vary.

Also changed was the remote. TOTO has made a much slimmer, easier to hold design.

As mentioned earlier, the internal sensors controlling the auto-open and close feature have been tweaked as to not be as sensitive as they were in the S350. This works quite well and cuts down on unintentional openings of the lid/seat.

In addition, TOTO have done what they can to make the unit more energy efficient and better performing. The heated seats will heat up significantly faster than those on the S350 and use less power in doing so.

In the end, the TOTO S550 is the best bidet by the best bidet company in the world. If you truly want the best of the best, this is it.

An exceptionally clean, autonomous, customized cleaning experience each and every time you use it.

I’ll leave you with this: Imagine waking up, the clock reads an annoying 5:25. You need to go. You get out of your cozy bed and make the short trek to the bathroom. The walls are softly illuminated by the TOTO’s ever vigilant nightlight as the room is still dark in its predawn mystery. The lid lifts itself up as you get near and you can almost hear it whisper “come hither, let go of the past”.

As the lid completes its ascent skyward, you sense exaltation in the air (or maybe it’s the Ewater+ premist?), an electric feeling runs down your spine. “Ah, hello again” you think to yourself.

You gaze into the completely white bowl and catch a glimpse of your reflection in the softly rippling water as the premist gently runs down the sides of the bowl, bringing with it a promise of eternal sanitation. You come to realize you are a living, sovereign entity which has agency and the ability to change the world around you.

Finally, you sit. The seat is warm, comforting, bringing the same womb-like calm and security as sleeping in the fetal position covered in down blankets on a crisp autumn night.

True, by Spandau Ballet starts playing… or does it? Is it all in your head? Nevermind.

You poop.

The deodorizer has been faintly, tenderly whirring since you took your seat, banishing your regrets and insecurities into the void of the vast, endless universe.

Feeling a sense of enormous well-being, you reach for the remote, “My scepter” you think, giggling quietly to yourself.

“Initiate cleaning” you whisper to no one as you press User Profile #1. The TOTO S550 doesn’t judge.

Warm water greets you. The oscillation function starts, adding its own reserved mechanical melody to the symphony of dripping water and the deodorizer’s indefatigable hum.

As the process nears its conclusion, you think about everything you’ve done to get here. Everthing we’ve done. Humanity. Life. Existence.

In the 13.7 billion year history of the universe, you exist at this moment. Less than a flash, shorter than an instant. This slice of reality is yours and you inhabit it fully although you sometimes waver about its importance; but in this moment you’re sure it has meaning.

The dryer turns on and strongly but oh-so-lightly pulls you back into the bathroom.

The warm air, grandma’s flower garden in the last month of summer.

You feel clean. Not only physically. You’re clean, you’re clean.

You regain your feet and head back to the bedroom. You look back, unsure why. You hear the deodorizer start its lazy return to “off”, accompanied by the familiar and satisfying hydraulic squirt and gurgle of the Ewater+ misting the bowl; ever cleaning, ever protecting.

As you slide back into bed to get that useless hour more of sleep, you feel the sheets regaining their warmth. It’s pleasant. Your eyes close with purpose only to open an hour later.

Somehow you don’t feel tired like you knew you would. You feel alive.

TOTO C200 Review

May 27, 2018 by @elioverbey

How does the TOTO C100’s younger, more tech savvy brother -the TOTO C200- compare?

See up to the minute pricing on the C200 HERE.

The TOTO C200 has a lot in common with TOTO’s king-of-entry-level-bidets, the TOTO C100.

How similar ARE the TOTO C200 and C100?

The features the C200 shares with the C100 are exactly what makes the C100 (and therefore the C200) so great. Features you would never expect in a budget-friendly bidet:

It has an amazing pre-mist function which makes your bowl a slip n slide for turds. No more scraping off lil brownies from the sides of your toilet bowl.

There’s a deodorizer – erases all odorous evidence which makes it perfect for taking a stealthy dump while company is over.

The warm-air dryer allows you to have a totally hands-free experience. That’s right, hands-free. Sit down, do your business, push a button on the remote to clean, push another to dry, voila – you’re done. No reaching down into the shadow realm to poke around a poopy hole above a fetid swamp of poopy water. So much poop being avoided here, it’s really marvelous and my favorite thing about high-end bidets (especially those with budget friendly prices, like the C100/C200).

And of course, the standard bidet wash and the feminine frontal wash with the option to change the stream from wide to narrow, both with adjustable nozzle positions.

So, am I paying more just for the TOTO C200’s remote?

Nearly! But, not quite.

TOTO would (IMHO) be justified to simply pump out the same bidet, change the control panel for a remote and charge more. Other companies have done it (and with a much higher $$$ premium for the simple luxury of having a remote), but TOTO has also added a pulsating/massage cleansing mode AND two custom user profiles to retain the perfect set of parameters for the ultimate booty cleanse every time.

TOTO made the C200 sleeker, sexier, and also more feature-packed than the C100, all for around $60 more than the C100.

Some, ahem, OTHER companies have ONLY added a remote, yet upped the price by $100.

I give serious props to TOTO for their ability to produce a seriously well-built and endlessly functional bidet without giving into the easy temptation to gouge the customer’s wallet.

If you’re looking for the best budget-friendly bidet seat (or washlet, as TOTO calls them) with a remote, look no further than the TOTO C200, the king of sensible washlet upgrades.

Luxe Bidet Neo 110 Review

May 17, 2018 by @elioverbey

Simple Functionality – The Luxe Bide Neo 110

What happens when one of the best bidet attachment makers makes the simplest of bidet attachments while using their signature high quality components and years of experience?

You get the Luxe Bidet Neo 110.

A bidet attachment with only one purpose – clean dat booty.

See how much the Neo 110 is currently going for – up to the minute pricing.

The Neo 110 is a single-nozzle, dial-operated bidet attachment without any other bells or whistles. It simply sprays a solid stream of water at your biscuit factory at a pressure of your choosing.

Luxe Bidet has made this a bidet that could be operated by anyone. Its dial is easy to turn and, and….. well….. that’s it. That’s all there is to it!

Functionality

The simple, one-dimensional operation is a blessing for those of us who don’t care about anything but having a clean butt.

Children, grandparents and bidet novices (guests, amirite?) will all be able to easily enjoy the benefits of a mini team of firefighters with a mini-hose cleaning the dirtiest of dirties (in truth, no miniature firefighters are trapped within the bidet and forced to clean asses for a living – don’t worry).

Like all Luxe Bidets, the nozzle is behind a little protective door and also auto retracts into a small sheath after each use, keeping the experience clean.

The Neo 110 has a protective housing area for its nozzle.

You can see the nozzle’s protective housing here.

Also, like (nearly) all non-electric bidets, the nozzle isn’t directly adjustable, so you will need to do the “lil poopy” which is a very new and very cool dance which mimics the way bidet users must slightly adjust their bums in order to get proper aim with the spray.

Adjusting to the spray is easy and eventually you’ll begin to know before you even turn it on if it’s going to be zeroed-in on the target or not, just by the way you’re sitting.

Installing any bidet attachment is ridiculously easy, and the Neo 110 isn’t any different. Simply take off your toilet seat, slide the attachment in, adjust the sliders, and then reattach your seat.

Viola, you now have a lovely bidet.

Luxe Bidet Neo 185 Elite Series Review

May 15, 2018 by @elioverbey

The Neo 185, available in white or blue.

The Luxe Bide Neo 185 is Luxe Bidet’s entry into dual nozzle territory (along with it’s cousin, the Neo 180).

Dual nozzles provide a way for the ladies in the house to clean their lady parts as well as booties. For the gentlemen reading, you can still use the frontal wash if you want, just don’t blame me for the soggy sac.

In addition to the front cleansing nozzle, the Luxe Bidet Neo 185 is also equipped with Luxe Bidet’s fantastic ceramic core valves and a self cleaning mode, along with the standard bidet function.

Check up to the minute pricing of the fantastic Neo 185 here

How is the Neo 185 different from the Neo 180?

Well, on paper, they have the same specs, but take a quick peek at their pics and you’ll see that the Neo 185 sports a twist dial to control water pressure instead of the Neo 180’s pull-lever.

The Neo 180 (left) with its lever control and the Neo 185 (right) with dial control.

Some people prefer the twist dial because it can be a little more precise when it comes to adjusting water pressure, with a clearly marked ring around the dial. The lever control on the other hand, has no such indication of pressure. Just take your life in your hands and pull that sucker until the desired pressure is reached.

(It should be noted that I prefer the lever control for the sole reason of it feeling like a jet’s throttle instead of a coin operated candy machine. Your preferences are sure to vary, however!)

Functionality

Both sprays are easy to control with the dual-dial design (twist the smaller nozzle left for feminine cleaning, right to activate the nozzle self wash). I found the rear spray to be just about on target, with a few lil scoots and shifts required to achieve full coverage. This shouldn’t be too much of a surprise, as bidet attachment makers simply can’t accommodate all shapes and sizes of butts – so, expect to do a little shimmying.

Not having a need for the feminine cleansing mode, I can’t directly comment on it, however my volunteer claimed it was great and the pressure was just enough on the low-medium setting to provide adequate cleaning without the pressure being overwhelming.

Overall, this is a fantastic bidet for anyone looking to make the jump to a two-nozzle system. Solid-feeling and easy to manipulate controls, a self-rinse feature and dual nozzles that function as expected – Luxe Bidet continues to roll out booty-pleasing bidets.

One caveat to this for those in colder climates: there is no hot water function, so if your cold water is extra cold in the winter, be aware that it is this temperature that your nether-regions are going to contend with.

Luxe Bidet: A Quick look

May 8, 2018 by @elioverbey

Luxe Bidet has been on the forefront of bidet attachment production and design since 2008 when they first started in San Francisco.

With their newest bidet line, the Neo series, Luxe Bidet have set their sights on securing their place as one of the top bidet attachment manufacturers.

The Luxe Bidet Neo 320. Look at that sexy lever!

Luxe Bidet has created a line of well-built, simple to use, good looking bidet attachments with a model sure to please everyone.

From the modest Neo 110 (sporting a single nozzle and a cool-water pressure-dial) to the luxurious Neo 320 (dual nozzle, warm or cool water with a lovely lever to control pressure) and everything in-between, Luxe Bidet has done a remarkable job of simplifying the bidet attachment buying process.

What places Luxe Bidet above many of the other affordable bidet attachment makers is their focus on high quality parts.

When you’re first installing a bidet attachment, one of the primal fears that can creep up is that of the unit leaking, flooding your house and drowning your cat.

Most bidet attachment makers have done a decent job of stopping the threat of leaking between the water line and the bidet, and if they haven’t, you can throw some plumbers’ tape on there and most likely be good.

Where other bidet attachments can come apart later down the line though, is the internal valve.

This is essentially the valve that controls how much water is going to come surging out of the bidet and onto/into/around your butt.

Luxe Bidet incorporate high-quality ceramic valves in all of their bidet attachments, making them much less likely to spring a leak while you’re off in Bali for an extended vacation, trying to convince your significant other to try the local cuisine even though they somehow already know they won’t like it.

It’s this kind of commitment to quality that has made me a huge Luxe Bidet fan, even so far as saying the Luxe Bidet Neo 320 is the best bidet attachment available last year.

Anywho, all I ask is that when you look for a bidet attachment, seriously consider Luxe Bidet.

You and your ass won’t regret it.

Bio Bidet Slim TWO Bidet Review

April 24, 2018 by @elioverbey

Bio Bidet’s Newest Bidet -the Bio Bidet Slim Two is a Functional, However, Underwhelming Upgrade.

With the Slim ONE, Bio Bidet made a bare-bones, simple, ass-blasting device. It looked good, performed well and cost around $200.

Now, they’ve released the Slim TWO for nearly $300.

How exactly has the bidet evolved in it’s newest iteration and is it worth the additional cheddah?

How does the Slim ONE compare to the Slim TWO?

Well, I’d argue it should change its name to the Slim One and a Half for starters.

Read on to dig deeper into the Bio Bidet Slim TWO.

I have to admit, it does look nice.

The Bio Bidet Slim TWO is the Slim ONE with a remote.

That’s it.

While this isn’t a bad thing, and the Slim ONE could certainly benefit from a remote, I don’think the price is justified by such a meager addition.

Nonetheless, I still think this is a good bidet if you’re in the market for a relatively cheap option with a remote.

The Slim TWO’s chunky, nearly-square remote.

Let’s look at the Bio Bidet Slim TWO’s features:

The Bio Bidet Slim TWO comes with all the essential bidet features one would expect from an entry level bidet.

It has a heated seat and water, front and rear cleansing, a child mode, night light, an oscillating mode and a pulsating “massage” mode (ooo la la).

One interesting thing to note about the water heating system is that Bio Bidet was able to give the Slim TWO instantly heated water instead of a reservoir system.

This will allow the user to squirt squirt squirt that bidet until they’re absolutely sure no more lil turds are hanging out – all without fear of running out of warm water.

A feature like that is quite impressive in a $300 bidet.

It’s also unusual to find a pulsating mode in bidets at this price range, but it’s one of the things I like best about Bio Bidet, they include this feature on almost every one of their bidets.

If you have any trouble dropping the kids off at the pool, the massage feature works great for those of us who suffer from occasional constipation.

The Slim TWO shines through the night…. and the day if you forget to turn off the nightlight.

One feature that is slightly irksome for me is the nightlight. It isn’t automatic and there isn’t a clear button to press to turn it on and off.

In order to toggle the light, you need to hold down the + sign on the remote.

While this isn’t a deal-breaker, and I’d rather opt for this than no nightlight, it can be a bit annoying.

At the end of the day, though, I’m left wondering why the Bio Bidet Slim TWO costs $100 more than the Bio Bidet Slim ONE.

Bio Bidet even went so far as to copy and paste 99% of the Slim ONE product page on their website onto the Slim TWO page!

It’s the same bidet, for crump’s sake!

I don’t know why Bio Bidet had to have Kickstarter and IndieGoGo campaigns for this device (both of which raised ~$240,000 each) when all it is, is adding a remote to the same dang thing.

Ok, ok. I admit a remote is nice, but I would never pay $100 for the luxury of using one.

The $100 less expensive Slim ONE – with all the features of the Slim TWO

If you are in search of a value/budget bidet, I feel like VALUE is going to be your principal guiding force.

In that case, get a Slim ONE instead.

It looks nice, has all the same features, and is $100 (!) less.

The Best Brondell Bidets

April 4, 2018 by @elioverbey

Oh, Brondell. I’d sing an ode to your bidets if I weren’t a bidet disguised as a human who writes about bidets and therefore unable to sing.

Brondell has been in the competitive bathroom scene since 2003 and since then has become one of the most well-know bidet and toilet makers.

Let’s take a lil peek at their best bidets so far in 2020.

Brondell Swash 1400

See up to the minute pricing HERE.

Biscuit on the left, white on the right.

Brondell’s top of the line bidet still ranks as its best. With one of the most beautiful shapes and ominous yet wise looking sensor areas, the Brondell Swash 1400 is one of the best looking bidets around.

In fact, I love this bidet so much, they used to call me Big Swash Dude or BROdell back in high school.

The reasons I love the Swash 1400 bidet are two-fold.

First, and most obviously, are the features

The Brondell Swash 1400 has dual steel nozzles and a warm air dryer which can both be seen here.

There are all the features one could expect of a high-end bidet and even a few more.

For example, the Brondell Swash 1400 lets you control the width of the spray – meaning that you can choose from a concentrated, narrow spray to a wide, softer spray.

There is also a little dash of sci-fi in the nozzle. It is sterilized by silver nano-particles which literally rip bacteria and viruses apart. Intense. Metal.

The dryer is quite effective, as is the deodorizer – which, thank God, can be replaced easily, as needed.

Oh! And I almost forgot to mention the two programmable user settings.

The Swash 1400 certainly makes it pretty darn easy to clean yer ass.

The second reason the Swash 1400 bidet reigns supreme is its looks.

I’m a sucker for night lights and the Brondell Swash 1400 has a glorious one.

While it isn’t doing anything necessarily mind-blowing/avant garde (nobody is asking for an avant garde bidet…yet), it checks all the right boxes as far as style goes.

Resembling other bidets in Brondell’s lineup, the Swash 1400 has sexy lines, and a hinge that frames the area which houses the guts that make this bidet tick.

The shape of the seat conforms nicely to most any batoot, and the hidden rear pocket stows away the unsightly power cables and water lines, leading to a sleek, minimal look.

Speaking of sleek and minimal, the Swash 1400 is thin, due mostly to its use of a ceramic core heating system which instantly heats water on-demand and forgoes the need for a large water reservoir system.

When push comes to shove, the Brondell Swash 1400 is the best bidet easily available in the USA. I’m a huge fan.

Next up is actually a very similar bidet, but in the neighborhood of $200 less.

Brondell Swash 1000

See up to the minute pricing HERE.

The Brondell Swash 1000 is quite similar to the Brondell Swash 1400. They both share a ceramic core instant water heating system, oscillating dual nozzles with silver nanoparticle sterilization, a warm air dryer and a deodorizer.

If these features sound good enough, then, hey, my job is done and you can just go ahead and buy that butt buffer.

If you need a little more convincing, read on.

The features on the Brondell Swash 1000 toss it right up into the “super ultra luxury bidet” category.

As mentioned earlier, the Swash 1000 has instantaneously heated water, a warm air dryer, two stainless steel nozzles which tear bacteria and viruses apart with badass silver nanoparticles, and a deodorizer.

What The Swash 1000 lacks versus the Swash 1400 is either going to make you triumphantly shout out: “Heh! I never needed all those bells and whistles anyway. All I want is a clean booty.” OR “Ehhhh, well….. I love night lights, hidden cables, user profiles and replaceable deodorizers.”

Brondell Swash 1000 versus Brondell Swash 1400

The Brondell Swash 1000 on the left and the Brondell Swash 1400 on the right.

Maybe I should have used a spoiler tag up there, but in short, the main differences between the Swash 1000 and the Swash 1400 come down to aesthetic changes.

The Swash 1000 doesn’t have a hidden compartment to clean up the look of the water and power connections.
It also doesn’t have a night light (personally, something I gotta have, but I know many couldn’t care less).
There have also been some cosmetic changes to the Swash 1400 that aren’t seen on the Swash 1000, such as contouring the base of the unit to better blend in with the toilet, creating a more seamless look.

Honestly, though, I love the look of both.

Earlier, it may have sounded like I was bashing the Swash 1000, but that’s far from the case (wouldn’t be on this list, otherwise)

In reality, many of the things it lacks ARE just extras and don’t actually directly contribute to a bidets prime directive: clean asses.

The features of the Brondell Swash 1000 are completely focused on booty blasting, posterior polishing, rear refreshing cleanliness.

This makes it a wonderful buy for those looking for a nice starter bidet that accomplishes its main goal in a satisfying and effective manner.

The Best of Bio Bidet Bidets.

March 20, 2018 by @elioverbey

Bio Bidet has been hard at work.

Going from a minor blip on the bidet radar to a major player in just a few short years, Bio Bidet has rightfully garnered a die-hard following – much in part to their endless innovation.

What are Bio Bidet’s best bidets?

A8 Serenity

See up to the minute price here.

Bio Bidet’s newest bidet focuses on pleasing any posterior.

Adjust everything – Bio Bidet have really begun to differentiate themselves as the bidet maker for people who dig customization.

The A8 Serenity has all the features you’d expect of a high-end unit, such as adjustable nozzle positions, adjustable heating settings for the water, seat, and dryer as well as an eco-mode.

Some of its more premium features are a dual sided remote (which is actually pretty damn sexy, props to Bio Bidet), a stainless steel nozzle for added germ fighting capabilities and customization user profiles, so will never need to worry about that lil stream of water not being zeroed-in on Mt. Poopamanjaro.

What’s surprising about this bidet is the level of control the user has over features that haven’t previously been adjustable in other models.

The first is the dryer. Not only are you able to change the temperature of the air, but you’re also able to adjust the power of the fans.

Next up is the water aeration.

Never before have we seen a bidet that lets you toggle the aeration of the water.

While we generally prefer aeration to be on for a more comfortable spray, turning it off offers a bit more power for those ultra nasty turds that just don’t wanna leave your loving embrace.

You are also able to play around with a few other features such as adjusting the night light (which lights up the whole bowl and looks super cool) and the chimes on the remote (or even turn them off completely).

With all that said, the A8 Serenity is Bio Bidet’s best bidet seat for those who are looking for a totally tailored cleaning ass-perience.

Next up is the Bio Bidet entry level, budget bidet.

The Bio Bidet Slim ONE

See up to the minute price here.

This bidet seat is the best cheap bidet seat out there.

Usually, we wouldn’t recommend anything below $250, as the components and features are, to put it plainly, shit.

However, Bio Bidet was able to create a bidet seat that has more than adequate features as well as high durability.

The Bio Bidet Slim ONE has:

a stainless steel nozzle

front and rear cleansing

pulsating cleanse mode

nozzle oscillation as well as adjustable nozzle position

child mode

turbo mode (for those who really want to live)

a heated seat with adjustable temperature

adjustable water temperature

a nozzle cleaning mode

a night light

and finally, an energy saving eco mode.

Yeah, that’s right. That is the features list for a bidet that costs less than a family dinner at Ruth’s Chris.

For this price point, there is nothing else I could possibly expect from an electric bidet seat. The Bio Bidet Slim ONE ticks all the boxes.

The Best TOTO Bidets

March 11, 2018 by @elioverbey

With 2019 way back in the rear-view mirror, it’s time to start looking into which bidets are the best of 2020.

Toto has established itself as one of the premier if not the premier bidet manufacturer.

With a lengthy history, going back 100 years, Toto has a legacy of making wonderful bathroom fixtures.

2020 hasn’t been the most exciting year for the guys and gals of Toto’s bidet division. With continued support of older bidet models, nothing has happened as far as new washlets or washlet technology popping up on the scene.

However, this isn’t a bad thing. Toto’s lineup of bidets is already stellar, with a bidet to fit any budget and bum.

Here are the best bidets you can buy from Toto in 2018.

In Q1, the Toto C100 still ranks as the best budget bidet you can buy.

Check out the current price of this bad boy here.

It all comes down to the exhaustive features list that truly boggles the mind when you compare it to the price tag.

Of course, it has all the standard features found on any budget bidet worth its salt, such as heated seats, heated water, an eco mode, adjustable nozzle positions and pressure and a self cleaning wand.

That’s where a sane person would assume the features stop.

But they don’t stop.

Toto somehow packs a warm air dryer and a deodorizer into this beast.

It’s as if TOTO wants to gaslight everyone who is interested in buying the C100, the price to performance ratio is just so good, it’s absolutely insane.

You can find models in both the round and elongated sizes, too, so any bowl can become a powerhouse of anal cleaning.

Check out our full review of the Toto C100 here

And for those who are SUPER curious, also see how it compares to the TOTO C200 here

On the other end of the spectrum is Toto’s S550e with eWater+.

Head on over to Amazon to see the current price of the S550e here

This bathroom behemoth comes packed to the brim with features.

In addition to everything the C100 has, the S550e features the use of eWater+ which is electrolyzed water that acts as a surprisingly able disinfectant.

See our review of the S550e here

The S550e will squirt that eWater+ all over the bowl before and after each dump session, providing you a much cleaner bowl -without you having to break out the disgusting, poo-water soaked toilet bowl cleaner- when compared to washlets that lack this feature.

The washlet also features a very suave looking remote, a night light and an auto open and close lid.

Besides the eWater+, the other major difference is the instantaneous water heating that provides endless, on demand hot water with no exceptions. This allows the bidet to be much thinner than its budget bidet brethren.

This is in contrast to the C100’s tank reservoir system, which will still provides a good deal of warm water, but only until the tank is dry. Consider the S550e if you expect multiple people to be using the toilet in succession.

Some may be wondering what difference is between the S550e and the S350e and if it justifies the leap in price.

The S550e features pulsating and oscillating cleansing modes, whereas the S350e lacks these.

IMHO, oscillation is a MUST. The rapid sweeping of water back and forth removes filth so much better than just a constant spray in the same spot. Think about how you clean anything with a hose – your car, deck, dog, kids, etc. You sweep that mother back and forth.

The pulsating spray is also extremely nice to have (especially for us poor folks with a lack of fiber in our diets) as it can help with constipation better than a traditional spray. This feature isn’t as necessary as oscillation, but it’s a wonderful addition to have.

Oh, it also features a much more attractive lid.

All of these features are worth the price difference.

Overall, the S550e is the best washlet that TOTO currently offers, and also one of the best bidet seats available for purchase from any brand.

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