Smart Toilets for Smart People. The Best Integrated Toilet Bidets.

February 26, 2019 by @elioverbey

Integrated toilet bidets are the ultimate in luxurious poopin’, but what makes a good one and which ones are the best around?

What makes a great smart toilet?

Looks

The look of your toilet can determine whether your bathroom looks like a poo palace or a piece of crap.

Builder brand toilets (the kinds that come with many Lenar, Beazer or other builder homes) are generally unappealing, not to mention barely serviceable.

An integrated toilet bidet with a modern design can transform your bathroom completely. Also, most companies cutting edge designs are done in the style of integrated toilet bidets rather than regular toilets.

Features

The features of most of these integrated bidets don’t vary too much as these bathroom beasts are all resting near the pinnacle of poopin’ tech.

What’s going to set them apart are going to be bells and whistles and how the features themselves perform.

For example, is the dryer actually going to dry my bum or am I going to have to get some toilet paper involved?

Ease of use

Your futuristic, nearly sentient toilet isn’t going to impress anyone if nobody can figure the damn thing out.

Being user friendly is important.

Ease of installation

This can end up saving you hundreds of dollars if you’re able to install the bidet yourself.

Thankfully, if you can get a little help for the lifting and positioning portion of the installation, anyone should be able to install most of these integrated bidets with basic tools.

Cost

What’s really meant by cost is the value per dollar rather than the cost as a deciding factor by itself.

The List

TOTO G400
Bio Bidet IB835
TOTO Neorest 550H
Kohler K-5401-0 Veil

TOTO G400

The TOTO G400 is the best value smart toilet you’re gonna find.

Looks

When looking at the G400, you can clearly see that this guy is made of two separate units, the top which houses the bidet functions and water tank and the bottom which is the toilet.

While It looks quite good, it isn’t the best looking smart toilet as those are one piece and just look so darn good.

The sloping seat and lid flow right into the tank and electronics housing which are both clean looking without useless visual clutter and subtle branding.

Features

The features of this unit closely mirror those in the TOTO S550 with a few added bonuses.

Heated seats and water with 5 levels of heat.

Front, rear, and soft rear cleanse modes.

Auto open and close lid.

Oscillating and pulsating cleanse.

2 user profiles to save temperature, water pressure, and nozzle positions.

Bowl premist and CeFiONtect bowl glaze make it incredibly hard for anything brown and sticky to stick to the inside of the bowl resulting in less time spent scrubbing.

Auto flush automatically determines how much water to use and flushes as you stand up.

Cyclone flush system sends two streams of water spinning down the bowl to get every inch of porcelain. Nowhere to hide for El Turdo.

Warm air dryer and deodorizer.

Ease of use

The TOTO G400 is user friendly, although, if someone hasn’t used a bidet before it might seem a bit overwhelming. This is true of every electric bidet, though.

The G400 uses the same remote as the S350 and S550

The remote is easy to operate and as long as the person using it knows the difference between front/rear wash and oscillating and pulsating cleanses, there shouldn’t be any surprises.

Ease of installation

If you can install a toilet, you can install the TOTO G400. There’s nothing surprising with the installation (spoiler, this is the case with all the other smart toilets!).

The only extra step and something to be aware of is the need for an electrical outlet. Don’t buy any smart toilet f you have nowhere to plug it in and aren’t ready to install a new outlet!

Cost

The TOTO G400 is definitely worth the price. A TOTO toilet with cyclone flush technology is already going to cost upwards of $500, add onto that a bidet that’s comparable to the TOTO S550 with auto flushing and a modern, skirted design and you have a great buy at just under $2000.

See the current price of the TOTO G400 here.

Bio Bidet IB835

The Bio Bidet IB835 brings sleek looks and a wonderful remote to the smart toilet party.

Looks

The Bio Bidet IB835 is long, low and… cute – there, I said it. It looks cute! It reminds me of a beluga whale’s face.

This isn’t to say I wouldn’t want it in my bathroom! Bio Bidet has done a great job making this smart toilet look modern and clean.

The toilet section is smooth lines all around and the bidet section is a bit more streamlined than the TOTO G400’s.

Overall, a definite statement maker that will set your bathroom apart.

Features

The features of the IB835 are comparable to any other top-of-the-line bidet with the added bonuses of an above average remote and a kids’ mode.

A glance at the IB835’s remote. A note: “cleanse” is posterior wash and “bidet” is feminine wash. Also, the lower tier of options pops out of the bottom of the remote when pressed – a cool feature.

All the usual suspects such as:

Heated seats and adjustable water temperature and pressure.

Rear and frontal cleansing modes.

Oscillating and pulsating cleansing modes.

Warm air dryer and deodorizer.

Auto flush and remote-controlled flush.

Kids’ mode that runs a full wash/dry posterior clean cycle with low pressure.

Illuminated LCD remote.

Ease of use

Once you figure out the remote’s weird naming scheme, it’s smooth sailing.

Bio Bidet has tried to simplify the use of the bidet by reducing the various functions to their basic essence – for example, the oscillating mode has been changed to just “moving” and pulsating has been changed to “massage”.

Also, the basic cleaning functions have been dubbed “cleanse” for the rear wash and “bidet” for the frontal wash.

I’m not sure their rational for this as I’m sure most people buying an expensive smart toilet like this are familiar with the general terminology.

What’s most baffling is that there is no consistent terminology throughout the rest of Bio Bidet’s lineup. The BB 2000 just has pictures. The BB 1000 is the clearest with “feminine” and “posterior” modes clearly distinguished.

Anyway, this turned into a bit of a rant, but that’s not to say the unit is hard to use, I just wish Bio Bidet would stick to a more consistent naming scheme for its bidets’ functions.

Ease of installation

As mentioned in the G400 section, there’s nothing terribly hard about installing any of these smart toilets – as long as you’re able to install a regular toilet, you should have no issues.

Cost

The classic look is tough to compete with.

The Bio Bidet IB835 is starting to creep into luxury territory in terms of the cost. With these guys going for $2000 or more, you start to wonder if it’s worth it.

The IB835 smart toilet is worth it – the features list may be a bit lacking compared to the other toilets on this list (no auto open/close lid or bowl pre-mist), but the smooth design alone and otherwise comprehensive feature list make it worth the price.

See the current price of the Bio Bidet IB835 here.

TOTO Neorest NX1

A sexy choice for those most concerned with using less water.

Looks

The TOTO Neorest NX1 is said to be inspired by earthenware vases, handmade by a master craftsman.

Take that how you will, but I, for one, have to agree that this smart toilet is just plain foxy.

Smooth lines all around, this toilet reminds me of something a pre-cog from the movie Minority Report would bathe in. It’s THAT futuristic. It’s also won Red Dot and iF Design Awards which nothing else on this list can say.

Bottom line is this – if creating a beautiful bathroom is your number one priority, this is your best option.

Features

The features of the TOTO Neorest NX1 are nearly identical to that of the TOTO G400 save for the few I’ll list here:

Ultra efficient, 1 gallon per flush or .8 gallon per flush modes.

Warm-white bowl illuminating night-light.

Ewater + for both pre-mist of the bowl and cleaning of the nozzle. Ewater+ is electrolyzed water which is an amazing and environmentally friendly cleaner and disinfectant.

As you can see, the features list isn’t much more than that of the previous two integrated toilet bidets. The reason for the price premium is the attention to appearance.

Ease of operation

The beautiful remote controls the Neorest NX1 effortlessly controls the toilet.

There are two rows of buttons, one on the front and one on top. The front row controls all bidet functions except the oscillation and pulsation. The top row controls the other functions like the dryer, flushing and opening and closing the lid.

Ease of installation

The only reason this might be a bit trickier to install is the anxiety one might encounter due to the potential for scratching what is essentially a piece of art that you poop into.

Cost

At around $10,000 on TOTO’s website and $7,000-ish on others, it’s hard to justify splurging on the TOTO NX1 unless you’ve got the cash to spare and really want to wow your friends (and yourself).

Nonetheless, this beautiful smart toilet deserves a place on this list.

See the current price of the TOTO NX1 here.

Kohler K-5401 Veil

The Kohler Veil smart toilet is a pillar of style with brains and a seemingly endless features list to match.

Looks

Some may say this integrated toilet bidet takes the cake for best lookin’. I still maintain the Neorest NX1 as the pageant queen, but I could never fault someone for preferring the Kohler Veil.

It separates itself from other smart toilets in its flower-like appearance – it looks more like a lily than a toilet

Like the Neorest NX1, the Kohler K-5401 presents a stark contrast most other bidets and will undoubtedly make anyone lucky enough to use it say “woah, dude”.

Features

The Kohler K-5401 packs an impressive list of features, beating out the others on this list in sheer number.

Heated seats and adjustable water temperature and pressure.

Front and rear cleansing modes with the ability to change the width of the spray – this is the future right here!

Stainless steel nozzle.

1.28 gallons per flush or .8 gallons per flush.

LED night-light.

Electrolyzed water (same as TOTO’s branded Ewater+) AND UV light used to sanitize the device.

Deodorizer

Warm-air dryer.

Auto raise and lower lid.

Touch-screen LCD remote

Ease of use

With a clearly labeled remote (and the coolest one here), operating the Kohler K-5401 is a sinch.

Plain English is great – some questionable pictures, not so much.

With everything clearly labeled in English, you can forgive the confusing imagery. I mean, wtf is going on with the “massage” image? And the front and rear wash pictures – why are there two streams? Why not just show the front and rear stream exclusively?

These are, of course, small annoyances. It’s hard to find a perfect remote, but the Kohler K-5401 comes close and is a look at the future.

Ease of installation

It isn’t the easiest thing in the world to screw in the floor studs after removing the access cover if you have larger tools or hands, but other than that, this is manother job that can easily be done by those with who can measure accurately and have experience in basic plumbing and using tools.

Cost

If all smart toilets were lined up in a row in order of least to most expensive and I started at the cheapest and made my way towards the most expensive, this is the first one I’d stop at and say “mama mia, you’re a spicy little meatball, aren’t ya?”

In other words, it’s a shockingly good looking bidet and the first one to catch my eye at this price range or below which is around $3,500

If you’re looking for a bidet that packs a massive feature list including stainless steel nozzle, adjustable spray width and UV light disinfection and looks stunning, get this one.

See the current price of the Kohler K-5401 Veil here.

The Best TOTO Bidets

December 8, 2018 by @elioverbey

TOTO has too many solid bidets to pick only one as the Best TOTO Bidet.

It’s true; these Japanese bidet-smiths have been crafting the finest bidets and toilets in all-the-land for countless centuries (well, since 1917 at least).

To help choose the best TOTO bidet for you, we’ll look at the best of what TOTO has to offer in three categories: best value, best overall, and a wildcard pick.

Let’s hit the floor running with the best value TOTO bidet: The TOTO C100

I’ve gone on and on about how the TOTO C100 is just the best thing ever for those of us with a more frugal approach to bidet buying.

Coming in at around $360 at most retailers, the TOTO C100 packs so much under the lid, it blows my mind every time I think about it.

Check out the current price of the TOTO C100 here.

With premium features that are usually reserved for the $500 and above club, TOTO has created one of the best value bidets. Period.

Those features I’m swooning over include both a deodorizer AND a warm-air dryer. In this price bracket, you can usually choose one, but rarely both.

Another feature I’m in love with and totally surprised to see at this price is a pre-misting function which will coat the bowl with a mist of water as soon as you sit down.

This is especially useful for those of us with eco-friendly low-flow toilets. The lower water level can sometimes lead to some, erm, “evidence” being left behind on the inner bowl after a session. Not with TOTO’s pre-mist!

A short and sweet demonstration of TOTO’s premist function.

There’s also a soft rear cleansing feature which is a more diffuse, gentle spray that is not expected at this price point, but absolutely welcome.

In addition to these incredible top-tier features, you get everything else that one would expect from an electric bidet-seat.

Heated seats, heated water, adjustable temperatures for both, adjustable nozzle position and water pressure as well as an oscillating function for the nozzle which wiggles it back and forth, cleaning a wider area.

Most importantly, it also includes a gentle frontal cleanse for the ladies. If you’re a woman or live with one, this feature is required!

In the end, the TOTO C100 is sure to provide everything needed for someone looking to get their first bidet, or even someone looking to upgrade from an entry level. For something you’re going to use every day, you really can’t go wrong with the Best Value TOTO bidet, the TOTO C100.

Also, check out our review of the TOTO C100 for a more comprehensive analysis.

Next up we’ve got the best overall TOTO bidet: The TOTO S550e.

The contemporary version of the TOTO s550e washlet — The TOTO S550e and its remote.
*drool*

I’ve gushed over this bidet more than any other, and for good reason.

The TOTO S550e ticks every box on the Best Bidet checklist.

It looks beautiful.

It packs in every conceivable feature.

It’s reliable and well constructed.

And for all that it does, is very reasonably priced.

Check the current price of the TOTO S550e here.

Auto opening/closing seat and lid, a warm-air dryer, deodorizer, instantaneously heated water, EWATER+ spray, a sleek remote and all the features you’d expect when it comes to the bidet itself.

While you may be familiar with the features listed above, I’m sure more than a few of you may be left wondering “What the heck is EWATER+?”

Well, it isn’t a gimmick. EWATER+ uses some basic chemistry to keep your toilet clean. The TOTO S550e electrolyzes water, creating a mild acid that aids in cleaning your toilet bowl.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bu_3Bjzcljs

A quick peek at what TOTO’s EWATER+ is all about.

This solution is sprayed into your toilet bowl as a mist before and after each visit. In practice, it’s surprisingly effective in saving us from needing to use that nasty toilet brush.

These features and the high degree of quality control TOTO implements with this premium unit, and you’ve got an unparalleled luxury bidet.

To get a fuller idea of why this is the Best TOTO Bidet, check out our review of the TOTO S550e.

Wildcard time, baby! The TOTO C200 – The bidet I really want to write about that just doesn’t fit into a proper category.

The TOTO C200 with remote control operation.

Nearly edging out the TOTO C100 as the king of value, the TOTO C200 comes extremely close to dethroning (pun intended) the C100.

The C200 is about $50 more expensive than the C100.

Check out the current price of the TOTO C200 here.

What do you get for the added expense?

Well, you get a very sexy remote, a pulsating water mode and more settings for water, air and seat temperature (5 vs. 3) .

The remote is wonderful for those with mobility limitations, as sometimes the control panel can be tough to reach. It also lends a more streamlined look to the toilet.

The pulsating water mode is extremely useful for those of us who suffer from the occasional bout of constipation. The gentle pulses are kind of like a massage and will relax the muscles, allowing you to “go” more easily.

If these features are calling out to you, consider the TOTO C200, and also take a peek at our more in-depth article The TOTO C100 vs. The TOTO C200.

TOTO Washlet G400 Integrated Toilet Review

June 19, 2018 by @elioverbey

This thing, I mean, jeeze.

Can you justify a nearly $2000 toilet?

As a matter of fact… you can. Easily.

TOTO’s integrated toilet seat washlets are the pinnacle of poopin’.

They are an exercise in pure luxury.

The form-factor, features and technology coalesce into an ultra-modern, eye-catching toilet that will become the centerpiece of any bathroom lucky enough to house one.

The G400 is one of TOTO’s “entry level” Integrated Toilets, but that doesn’t prevent it from being one of the best toilets ever made.

See what the TOTO G400’s current price is HERE.

Let’s dive into the features first and see what the G400 is packing under the hood.

So…. This is a toilet AND a bidet? What makes the toilet better than the trusty pooper trooper I’ve already got?

First, this is a TOTO toilet.

They make some of the best around and toilet technology has likely changed tremendously since you installed your last toilet. Take a quick look at the video above to see what TOTO brings to the table.

First is the truly AWESOME Cyclone flush.

Have you ever wanted to feel like Poseidon (Pooseidon?)?

Have you ever had the desire to create a maelstrom of epic proportions, sucking sailors to the deep, dark depths below?

Now, you hold the power of the God of the Seas in your fingertips. With one gentle press on the sleek and sexy remotes (or simply by standing up – there’s an auto flush function!), you can choose and appropriate flush level for the business that you have just done. 1.28 or 0.9 gallons of water will come whooshing out from the recessed holes on either side of the toilet bowl, creating a hypnotizing vortex.

(It should be noted that the auto-flush function will determine how much water to use, either 1.28 gal or 0.9 gal. It works quite well.)

Besides the trident brandishing euphoria that you’ll feel from creating a cyclone in your toilet, this cyclone also serves as an excellent bowl cleaner, sweeping any stubborn poo pirates down into the Marianas Trench of your toilet.

As the video above delightfully demonstrates with apples (floating poos), oranges (sinking poos), orange juice (pee) and applesauce (fiery diarrhea), all manner of toilet visits get effortlessly blasted into a watery grave.

TOTO also makes the bowl nearly impossible for anything to stick to.

Like the legendary WWE tag-team duo of Gary “Cyclone Psycho Flush” Stonewall and Johnny “Slippery Bowl” Prescott, the Cyclone flush operates best with its teammates: TOTO’s bowl-premist function and CeFiONtect, TOTO’s extremely slick ceramic glazing which serves to make the surface of the bowl much less porous, giving the poos nothing to hold onto.

Lastly, the design is sexy.

Yeah, I said it. A toilet is sexy. Compared to a traditional toilet, it’s easy to see how someone could become infatuated with this amazing piece of bathroom furniture.

The skirted toilet fits perfectly with the integrated washlet bidet.

Not only is the plumbing hidden within the “skirt” of the toilet, this approach to toilet design makes for much easier cleaning.

It’s got all your basic bidet functions.

As well as some lavish premium features.

This should be a given, but this toilet has everything one would expect from a great bidet seat.

This includes a heated seat, heated water and a self-cleaning, retracting nozzle that delivers a stream of water right up the ol’ wazoo.

There’s rear cleansing, rear “soft” cleansing and frontal cleanse.

The rear cleanse won’t be a surprise to anyone who has use a bidet before; it’s strong and effective, yet not a power washer and won’t leave your bum raw.

The soft rear cleanse covers a wider area with lower pressure – perfect for those cursed by hellish hemorrhoids.

The frontal cleanse is obviously just for ladies and uses larger, soft drops to keep things comfortable.

All cleaning functions can be combined with either an oscillating or pulsating spray option.

An easily replaceable deodorizer (available here) will whisk away all those foul odors commonly associated with going number 2. Automatically turning on as soon as you plop you butt on the can, the deodorizer will soon become something you just can’t live without. It’s an activated carbon filter hidden behind a small air intake screen (which should be taken out and cleaned with water monthly). The deodorizer itself should last around 6 months with average use. And yes, you will definitely be made aware when it’s time to change it.

The auto raise/lower lid and seat add to the luxury.

Much like the TOTO S550 washlet, the G400 comes with a lid and seat that will automatically raise and lower when you draw near or walk away.

It’s hard to convey just how COOL this feature is. It’s comparable to getting an OLED TV after years of traditional LED or LCD displays.

You just can’t go back.

And that’s kinda the lasting impression of this toilet as a whole. You just can’t go back to a regular one after using this.

The elegant design makes other toilets seem archaic, ancient and obsolete; more suited to a display in a preserved mid 18th century home in Colonial Williamsburg than in a modern bathroom.

The features (both bidet and the toilet itself)put other toilets to shame, and further solidify it as something you just can’t come back from.

TOTO S350/S550 Review

May 29, 2018 by @elioverbey

To our readers: The TOTO S350 is being discontinued shortly and will be replaced with the TOTO S550. Both bidets come with all the same features, although the S550 has had a redesign (which I love) of both the washlet and the remote. There have also been some slight changes under the hood, which I’ll get to later in the review. As far as features go, however, you can consider this review applicable to both bidet models.

The King of Bidets? Bow to the TOTO S550.

TOTO know a thing or two about making bidet toilet seats. They coined the term “washlet” and were one of the first companies to start making electronic bidet seats which allow any toilet to evolve into a wondrous, ass-polishing throne.

The TOTO S550 is TOTO’s newest and most feature-packed bidet seat.

Having been in the bidet scene since its inception, TOTO have been steadily reworking their bidets to continually be at the forefront of bidet technology and trends.

Before we get into anything else, let’s take a peek a what’s going to immediately jump out as one of the more unique features of the S550: its Ewater+.

See up-to-the-minute pricing HERE.

What is Ewater+ and how does it set the S550 apart from other bidet seats?

Ewater+ is electrolyzed water which acts as a very effective cleaning and disinfecting solution. According to Wikipedia, electrolyzed water is water which has had an electric current run through it. Doing this produces a solution of hypochlorous acid and sodium hydroxide, which is apparently great at cleaning poo from toilet bowls.

The TOTO S550 will spray the bowl with a mist of Ewater+ as soon as you sit down as well as once you get up. In practice, this keeps your bowl lookin cool, clean, and absent of little poop dudes. Thank god for not having to reach for the dirty toilet bowl scrubber.

Also, the TOTO S550 will use this Ewater+ to clean the nozzle before and after each use. Talk about clean!

Note: this solution is NOT used for cleaning YOU. Just the toilet bowl and nozzle.

Next up on features unique to the TOTO S550 is its auto open and close lid.

This might not immediately seem like a feature that makes you think “Huh, I NEED that!” but after seeing it in action, I promise you, your mind is gonna change.

The auto-open and close of the TOTO S550 makes you feel like royalty as the seat invites you to take a seat, take a load off, drop a deuce, etc.

This is the last step in making the ancient human process of poopin’ totally hands-free. No need to touch the seat, no need to wipe, no need to dry.

Be confident that your phone most certainly WON’T be giving you pink-eye as long as the kids don’t get ahold of it.

Now, some have complained in the past about the S350’s auto open and close being a bit too sensitive and opening when someone simply walked past the bathroom. The S550 has fixed this issue by making the sensor a little less sensitive and now opens only when you approach the front of your throne.

The TOTO S550 can be programmed to open the lid, or both the lid and seat automatically when you approach. Also, if you’re a dude and only the lid opens and you don’t plan on taking a seat, a simple press on the remote can lift the seat as well. This works in the opposite way as well, so the ladies can put just the seat down if both seat and lid are both left open.

The S550’s nightlight. Not your typical glowing blue bowl.

The TOTO S550's nightlight emits a soft glow around your toilet.

Let there be light!

I should start this section by admitting that I love a glowing blue toilet bowl. I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s the feeling of being a futuristic Blade Runner about to “eliminate some replicants” (poop) or what, but those glowing blues just GET ME.

Despite all that, I love the S550’s nightlight. It’s miles more practical than a glowing blue bowl, as it softly illuminates the area around the toilet.

Ok, how about the actual bidet features?

Well, in addition to the above features which are quite unique to the TOTO S550, this washlet also packs top-of-the-line cleaning and comfort features.

The bidet feature itself is totally customizable in terms of pressure, position and temperature.

It also has a pulsating mode, oscillating mode and the option to switch the feminine cleansing from a narrow to a wide spray.

Also, the S550 packs one of the most effective warm air dryers around. Like we said earlier, this helps provide a totally hands-free experience.

The new, slim remote

All of these functions work as you’d imagine – they get you clean and transform your daily booty-duty into an almost too-relaxing spa-like visit.

Now, TOTO has also made sure to make the use of the S550 as comfortable as possible.

Heated seats, a deodorizer and instantaneously heated water (no bulky, slow-heating reservoir here) make the S550 so comfortable and satisfying to use, you’re never going to want to leave your throne.

How is this thing different from the S350?

The Contemporary lid sports a smoother, more contoured appearance, whereas the Classic style leaves a small lip.

Glad you asked!

Perhaps the most striking difference is in appearance.

TOTO have given the S550 the option to be purchased in either the classic or contemporary style.

I much prefer the contemporary style, although your mileage may vary.

Also changed was the remote. TOTO has made a much slimmer, easier to hold design.

As mentioned earlier, the internal sensors controlling the auto-open and close feature have been tweaked as to not be as sensitive as they were in the S350. This works quite well and cuts down on unintentional openings of the lid/seat.

In addition, TOTO have done what they can to make the unit more energy efficient and better performing. The heated seats will heat up significantly faster than those on the S350 and use less power in doing so.

In the end, the TOTO S550 is the best bidet by the best bidet company in the world. If you truly want the best of the best, this is it.

An exceptionally clean, autonomous, customized cleaning experience each and every time you use it.

I’ll leave you with this: Imagine waking up, the clock reads an annoying 5:25. You need to go. You get out of your cozy bed and make the short trek to the bathroom. The walls are softly illuminated by the TOTO’s ever vigilant nightlight as the room is still dark in its predawn mystery. The lid lifts itself up as you get near and you can almost hear it whisper “come hither, let go of the past”.

As the lid completes its ascent skyward, you sense exaltation in the air (or maybe it’s the Ewater+ premist?), an electric feeling runs down your spine. “Ah, hello again” you think to yourself.

You gaze into the completely white bowl and catch a glimpse of your reflection in the softly rippling water as the premist gently runs down the sides of the bowl, bringing with it a promise of eternal sanitation. You come to realize you are a living, sovereign entity which has agency and the ability to change the world around you.

Finally, you sit. The seat is warm, comforting, bringing the same womb-like calm and security as sleeping in the fetal position covered in down blankets on a crisp autumn night.

True, by Spandau Ballet starts playing… or does it? Is it all in your head? Nevermind.

You poop.

The deodorizer has been faintly, tenderly whirring since you took your seat, banishing your regrets and insecurities into the void of the vast, endless universe.

Feeling a sense of enormous well-being, you reach for the remote, “My scepter” you think, giggling quietly to yourself.

“Initiate cleaning” you whisper to no one as you press User Profile #1. The TOTO S550 doesn’t judge.

Warm water greets you. The oscillation function starts, adding its own reserved mechanical melody to the symphony of dripping water and the deodorizer’s indefatigable hum.

As the process nears its conclusion, you think about everything you’ve done to get here. Everthing we’ve done. Humanity. Life. Existence.

In the 13.7 billion year history of the universe, you exist at this moment. Less than a flash, shorter than an instant. This slice of reality is yours and you inhabit it fully although you sometimes waver about its importance; but in this moment you’re sure it has meaning.

The dryer turns on and strongly but oh-so-lightly pulls you back into the bathroom.

The warm air, grandma’s flower garden in the last month of summer.

You feel clean. Not only physically. You’re clean, you’re clean.

You regain your feet and head back to the bedroom. You look back, unsure why. You hear the deodorizer start its lazy return to “off”, accompanied by the familiar and satisfying hydraulic squirt and gurgle of the Ewater+ misting the bowl; ever cleaning, ever protecting.

As you slide back into bed to get that useless hour more of sleep, you feel the sheets regaining their warmth. It’s pleasant. Your eyes close with purpose only to open an hour later.

Somehow you don’t feel tired like you knew you would. You feel alive.

TOTO C200 Review

May 27, 2018 by @elioverbey

How does the TOTO C100’s younger, more tech savvy brother -the TOTO C200- compare?

See up to the minute pricing on the C200 HERE.

The TOTO C200 has a lot in common with TOTO’s king-of-entry-level-bidets, the TOTO C100.

How similar ARE the TOTO C200 and C100?

The features the C200 shares with the C100 are exactly what makes the C100 (and therefore the C200) so great. Features you would never expect in a budget-friendly bidet:

It has an amazing pre-mist function which makes your bowl a slip n slide for turds. No more scraping off lil brownies from the sides of your toilet bowl.

There’s a deodorizer – erases all odorous evidence which makes it perfect for taking a stealthy dump while company is over.

The warm-air dryer allows you to have a totally hands-free experience. That’s right, hands-free. Sit down, do your business, push a button on the remote to clean, push another to dry, voila – you’re done. No reaching down into the shadow realm to poke around a poopy hole above a fetid swamp of poopy water. So much poop being avoided here, it’s really marvelous and my favorite thing about high-end bidets (especially those with budget friendly prices, like the C100/C200).

And of course, the standard bidet wash and the feminine frontal wash with the option to change the stream from wide to narrow, both with adjustable nozzle positions.

So, am I paying more just for the TOTO C200’s remote?

Nearly! But, not quite.

TOTO would (IMHO) be justified to simply pump out the same bidet, change the control panel for a remote and charge more. Other companies have done it (and with a much higher $$$ premium for the simple luxury of having a remote), but TOTO has also added a pulsating/massage cleansing mode AND two custom user profiles to retain the perfect set of parameters for the ultimate booty cleanse every time.

TOTO made the C200 sleeker, sexier, and also more feature-packed than the C100, all for around $60 more than the C100.

Some, ahem, OTHER companies have ONLY added a remote, yet upped the price by $100.

I give serious props to TOTO for their ability to produce a seriously well-built and endlessly functional bidet without giving into the easy temptation to gouge the customer’s wallet.

If you’re looking for the best budget-friendly bidet seat (or washlet, as TOTO calls them) with a remote, look no further than the TOTO C200, the king of sensible washlet upgrades.

The Best TOTO Bidets

March 11, 2018 by @elioverbey

With 2019 way back in the rear-view mirror, it’s time to start looking into which bidets are the best of 2020.

Toto has established itself as one of the premier if not the premier bidet manufacturer.

With a lengthy history, going back 100 years, Toto has a legacy of making wonderful bathroom fixtures.

2020 hasn’t been the most exciting year for the guys and gals of Toto’s bidet division. With continued support of older bidet models, nothing has happened as far as new washlets or washlet technology popping up on the scene.

However, this isn’t a bad thing. Toto’s lineup of bidets is already stellar, with a bidet to fit any budget and bum.

Here are the best bidets you can buy from Toto in 2018.

In Q1, the Toto C100 still ranks as the best budget bidet you can buy.

Check out the current price of this bad boy here.

It all comes down to the exhaustive features list that truly boggles the mind when you compare it to the price tag.

Of course, it has all the standard features found on any budget bidet worth its salt, such as heated seats, heated water, an eco mode, adjustable nozzle positions and pressure and a self cleaning wand.

That’s where a sane person would assume the features stop.

But they don’t stop.

Toto somehow packs a warm air dryer and a deodorizer into this beast.

It’s as if TOTO wants to gaslight everyone who is interested in buying the C100, the price to performance ratio is just so good, it’s absolutely insane.

You can find models in both the round and elongated sizes, too, so any bowl can become a powerhouse of anal cleaning.

Check out our full review of the Toto C100 here

And for those who are SUPER curious, also see how it compares to the TOTO C200 here

On the other end of the spectrum is Toto’s S550e with eWater+.

Head on over to Amazon to see the current price of the S550e here

This bathroom behemoth comes packed to the brim with features.

In addition to everything the C100 has, the S550e features the use of eWater+ which is electrolyzed water that acts as a surprisingly able disinfectant.

See our review of the S550e here

The S550e will squirt that eWater+ all over the bowl before and after each dump session, providing you a much cleaner bowl -without you having to break out the disgusting, poo-water soaked toilet bowl cleaner- when compared to washlets that lack this feature.

The washlet also features a very suave looking remote, a night light and an auto open and close lid.

Besides the eWater+, the other major difference is the instantaneous water heating that provides endless, on demand hot water with no exceptions. This allows the bidet to be much thinner than its budget bidet brethren.

This is in contrast to the C100’s tank reservoir system, which will still provides a good deal of warm water, but only until the tank is dry. Consider the S550e if you expect multiple people to be using the toilet in succession.

Some may be wondering what difference is between the S550e and the S350e and if it justifies the leap in price.

The S550e features pulsating and oscillating cleansing modes, whereas the S350e lacks these.

IMHO, oscillation is a MUST. The rapid sweeping of water back and forth removes filth so much better than just a constant spray in the same spot. Think about how you clean anything with a hose – your car, deck, dog, kids, etc. You sweep that mother back and forth.

The pulsating spray is also extremely nice to have (especially for us poor folks with a lack of fiber in our diets) as it can help with constipation better than a traditional spray. This feature isn’t as necessary as oscillation, but it’s a wonderful addition to have.

Oh, it also features a much more attractive lid.

All of these features are worth the price difference.

Overall, the S550e is the best washlet that TOTO currently offers, and also one of the best bidet seats available for purchase from any brand.